


this whole room don’t need to know you

by haogender



Series: rant fics [1]
Category: SEVENTEEN (Band)
Genre: Mental Health Issues, Might write more, Trans Character, Trans Male Character, i’m projecting onto mingyu, trans mingyu
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-06
Updated: 2020-04-06
Packaged: 2021-03-01 21:28:05
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,011
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23513902
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/haogender/pseuds/haogender
Summary: It’s all quite stupid, isn’t it?—there’s no plot here
Series: rant fics [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1713940
Kudos: 14





	this whole room don’t need to know you

**Author's Note:**

> um [projects onto mingyu] [projects onto mingyu] [projects onto mingyu]

When Mingyu was twelve, his younger sister was given some kind of award by their school district. The award wasn’t that huge- it was just big for a ten year-old. Mingyu’s parents had been proud, far more proud than they had been when Mingyu had worked his way onto his school’s soccer team and placed second in nationals, and decided that they needed to attend the award ceremony and force Mingyu to attend as well.

So Mingyu and Minseo were informed that they had to get dressed up and attend the ceremony. And it would’ve been fine. It really would have been, if Mingyu wasn’t twelve and hadn’t worn a dress since he was nine. But that’s just how it was.

His mother had entered the room to see Mingyu crying hysterically, the dress she had given him laying inside-out on the floor.

They had left him like that. He had cried for a good hour or so, feeling sick with his body, then folded up the dress and lay it on his parents’ bed before locking himself in his room.

It took a year for Mingyu to understand why he had acted like that and what the emotions came from. It took another year for him to not hate himself for not being a perfect daughter. He spent that year talking with his parents and convincing them to let him at least cut his hair short and change up his wardrobe.

That part wasn’t easy, but they did their best and Mingyu was thankful for that. They did a little above the least they could do, and that was more than enough for Mingyu.

When Mingyu got into Pledis, his mom had suggested going stealth. She didn’t know that’s what it was called- she just suggested that Mingyu not tell anyone that he wasn’t born a boy. In her mind, she didn’t want anyone to find out that he was something horrible. In Mingyu’s, it was just a way to be safe and be gendered correctly.

And that was an amazing idea- until it wasn’t.

Until Mingyu debuted, and still refused to tell anyone that he was trans.

Maybe he should have told people, but what then? He was trans. He would never have debuted at Pledis. Hell, he probably wouldn’t have even managed to become a trainee.

It was kind of too late at this point, though.

At the moment, four years into Seventeen’s debut, Mingyu was showering with cold water because he had to wait for everyone to go to bed (most importantly Jihoon) so he could shower. The bathroom door didn’t lock properly, and Jihoon never let their members into the bedroom after midnight unless it was important. So it was one in the morning and Mingyu was showering with cold water.

Pathetic.

Four years as an idol and four years as a trainee. Mingyu couldn’t tell- wouldn’t tell his best friends that he was trans.

Pathetic.

It took a little under two minutes for Mingyu to get out of the shower, put his clothes in the hamper, and get in bed. He had perfected the routine, the timing over the years, knew that if he left the lights on too long that Wonwoo would yell at him from the living room floor (or from his and Seungcheol’s room, depending on where he chose to sleep), that Minghao got irritated quickly at night so if Mingyu was too loud or took too long he’d get the silent treatment in the morning, that the floor right outside Seokmin’s door creaked super loudly and annoyed everyone.

So it took a little under two minutes and he stepped around that patch of creaky floor.

It took way, way longer than two minutes to fall asleep though.

It usually took maybe an hour for Mingyu to fall asleep.

Jihoon passed out almost instantly, which was shocking considering sometimes he got ‘possessed’ halfway through the night and would sleep with his legs up.

Better than rooming with one of the sleeptalkers.

Mingyu cycled through his usual distractions, pointer finger tapping against the back of his hand. 

Fake conversations with friends (bad), going over choreo (bad), and singing Twice songs in his head (good).

Sometimes he stayed up so long he forgot who he was and what he was scared of. It was a feeling Mingyu chased after- the feeling of no longer being afraid.

_A loud laugh sounded through the practice room- it was Seokmin’s, he had just entered and was watching as Mingyu and Soonyoung spun in circles, faces red. “What are you doing?”_

_“Sh-shut up,” Mingyu wheezed, glaring at Soonyoung who was starting to laugh. Or cry, Mingyu had no clue. He was still spinning, both of them were._

_“Soonyoung said he could spin for ten minutes straight without falling over or fainting and then it became a challenge and they’ve been doing this for like five minutes now,” Minghao piped up from the corner._

_He had been reading, if Mingyu remembered correctly. He had been reading something on his phone when the two had started spinning and disturbed him._

_“Soonyoung, we have chicken.”_

_Less than a moment later, an arm knocked the wind out of Mingyu._

_Mingyu fell just as Wonwoo, who was sitting next to Minghao, laughed. It wasn’t because of Wonwoo, just that Soonyoung had stuck his arm out, but every time Wonwoo giggled for a month after, all of Mingyu’s bruises from that fall would ache. Maybe that was why Mingyu got so fond of Wonwoo after that. He made Mingyu feel something._

_When Soonyoung fell, Seokmin came to him instantly. Mingyu remained on the floor, lightheaded as he stared up at the ceiling._

_His pointer finger hit against the floor once every second. Constant movement._

_Mingyu used to hit his wrists together until Wonwoo started grabbing his arms as an attempt to stop him._

_So now he just tapped his finger against the floor until everyone left, then danced the same choreo until his legs gave out._

Mingyu’s finger ceased its tapping as he drifted.

**Author's Note:**

> mental illness i believe


End file.
